By Dr. Roberta Schaller
If you live or work with someone who uses them frequently, you may now realize that the underlying aggression-oriented behavior that is pushing you over the edge is anger.
You think that everything is good, and go swimming. Then, with one sentence, your ride on the emotional roller coaster begins upside down…again. It takes you by surprise, and often you can’t really understand what’s pushing your buttons. This should help.
Frozen anger? Here’s the first way to get away with it: small looks, offhand comments, rolling eyes, and “What do I say to that?” A question that catches you off guard… and a little defensive.
Passive-aggressive people want you to assume they control you.
Dangerous business! right? If you know anything about what I’m talking about, you’ve been there. You don’t know how to tell or lie. Or get angry. Or just go along with the intended joke while getting angry inside.
Here are five possible passive aggressive things people say most often.
1. “Sure, I’ll do that.
Sounds like a good answer, right? The problem is that nothing works. And when you ask why, s/he tells you that you have no right to ask for it to be done in the first place. Or, a more common response, “I forgot. (Angry, right?)
2. “You ask too much.”
The person agrees to do something you ask, but only puts in a small “token” effort. He/she knew exactly what you wanted, but gave you the bare minimum to say it was done. It’s kind of a Catch-22. It drives you up the wall, doesn’t it?
3. “I know you did your best.”
Oh! A final back-handed, snarky comment is presented and can be taken in many ways. You’re sure s/he wanted to say, “With your lack of ability, lack of awareness, and background, I couldn’t expect anything from you, you worm,” but s/he hedged the throw. If you do, you are condemned, if you don’t respond, you are condemned.
If you respond incredulously: “Are you saying I don’t know what I’m doing?” You will meet, “I never said anything like that. Are you sure of your abilities?” Wham! If you respond, “Yeah, there was very little history and few facts to work with,” say, “Well, I was counting on you to take it and run with it, and that didn’t really happen, did it? “Go away!!!
4. “Oh, I thought you were in an argument.”
Full of potential mines! If you ask for more information, confirm that you are not “in the inquiry” and are not part of the inner group or have been deliberately excluded. Passive-aggressive people want to rip your arm off and hit you while making you feel guilty. Does that sound familiar? That is what is happening here.
The best thing is to ignore the comment. It’s a no-win situation right now.
5. “I was just kidding.”
You don’t know what to believe. You feel pain. However, he ruled out the possibility that he/she intended to receive that message. If you take it as a joke, accept it and he/she will get away from it. The ultimate “gotcha!” This is usually after a sarcastic comment is thrown your way.
Again, this is boring rage. They are often used by passive aggressive people when they are in a group. They feel left out of the group, betting that you won’t show your unease or healthy anger by speaking up.
If these seem too familiar, know that you are actually picking up on the original negative thought.
Although it’s normal to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. A good idea in most cases. However, if it’s a pattern you’re experiencing over and over with the same person, start thinking sexually.
Now you know what drives you nuts. Now, you can take steps to change your role in the relationship with this person. Learn new strategies to respond in stronger and healthier ways. Stop acting crazy!
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.
This article was originally published by Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission of the author.