A: Thanks for writing in; I think most people reach a breaking point in parenting that requires some sort of re-evaluation. I guess “Eight to Go” is about the 10-year-old leaving home when he turned 18, and let’s build on that.
Parenting fatigue is real, and working full-time while parenting leaves us more exhausted than we realize. Because many of us are unconsciously driven by stress, we believe that our fatigue is somehow abnormal or unhealthy—that we are tired and broken. But wherever you look, from our child care system to our health care system, our culture is often not built to support parents (especially non-white parents). Just as a fish doesn’t know when it’s wet, we don’t know how our culture has conditioned so many parents to feel chronic fatigue.
I don’t know why you work your life around your children but love is not the only answer. It can also be from explicit or implicit messages from your own childhood; What you didn’t get or what you got and want to repeat; Guilt: Fear or anxiety. Whatever the case may be, you put yourself second (or third or fourth) in your own life. To be clear, I am not responsible for this choice; If we don’t slow down to make conscious choices, it’s easy to get carried away to “do it all” too quickly. And if you need another excuse to address this stress, kids are sure that you don’t want or want to “live life around them.” While every family is different, responsibility and developmentally appropriate independence foster resilience in children. Simply put: it’s for kids to understand that everyone has interests, and they don’t need to be, or should be, first. I love Jessica Lahey’s book, “The gift of fall” for more on this message.
Now, for whatever reason, you’ve reached a point where you’re ready to throw in the towel on the life you’ve built (with turtles and no island). You need to find out what living with the turtles on the island means to you – perhaps through a therapist, a self-help book, or a good friend. Are you tired of serving others? Want more solitude? Looking for more flexibility in your time? Want more exposure to the natural world? Getting to the root of what your mind, body, and soul needs is the ultimate goal here, because any other choice is just a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. And looking for a coach or therapist is normal; There is nothing unusual about reaching a crossroads in your life and needing support for the next chapter.
While you are dealing with your own needs, I agree, we need to rekindle your relationship with your 10-year-old. The easiest way to do this is to make an appointment with her, just like a legal appointment. This sounds impersonal, but I find communication and fun to be communication and fun. A weekend trip, movies, meals, painting pottery, a home project, local theater or sports, and the library are some ideas to get you started. From spending a lot of money to spending very little, there are a million ways to connect with your girl. Look for quality over quantity and, if possible, weave in what brings you joy. It’s easy to forget that happiness is contagious, and our children love to see us happy and full of life.
Whether you use a physical or digital calendar, bring your daughter into the decision-making process. The process of choosing what to do can be fun in itself! But remember: If you don’t want to understand these new needs in your life, you’ll stay tired and escapist. Get curious and seek support. best wishes.
Meghan Leahy hosts a live chat every other Wednesday at 11 a.m. Submit a question for her next live chat.