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I recently became a full-time mom to a sharp-witted, creative, amazing 10-year-old. Unfortunately, her mother has chronic mental health issues and has been mostly inactive since I’ve known them. A year ago she failed to keep her apartment clean and she faded into her son’s life in the last six months. She calls her a few times a week to chat with her for five minutes and takes her for a movie once a month. She talked about entering long-term residential treatment for bipolar/anxiety/abuse/complex PTSD/PMDD, but didn’t follow through.
Well, last week, the boy gave me a card.
It reads: “Dear [name]I hope I can call you mom. love, [kid]He said. My heart almost burst with love but guilt quickly followed. I am so honored that this little girl loves and trusts me so much, but I know her mother would be devastated if she found out. I instantly responded by telling her how touched I was and that she would call me whatever she wanted. But now I find myself second guessing how it widens the gap between her and her mother and I’m not sure how to proceed. Is it wrong for me to accept that title or do I owe it to her mother to keep her sanctity?
– The movie Stepmother It didn’t prepare me for this.
Dear Stepmom,
If you’re not comfortable with your stepchild calling you “mom,” you shouldn’t go with him. But if you are okay with it and your only place is how her mother is can You may feel that she did not destroy her mother. Maybe something like this: “I respect you for thinking of me as a mother and I hope we will always be close.” I also hope you know that you never have to choose between being close to me and being close to your mom because we both love you so much. You can also talk to your partner about your concerns: what do you think about their child calling you “mommy”? They may have their own concerns or perceptions.
So many people have more than one form of mother/mother, for all sorts of reasons; In general, I think it’s best to try and follow a child’s lead when it comes to how they want to describe the important people or relationships in their life. Enough to know how your stepdaughter feels about you and her relationship with you. Again, you don’t have to accept a title you’re uncomfortable with, but her bond with you shouldn’t undermine her bond with her mother.
– Nicole
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